


Universal Alignments [REDUX]

by godtiermeme



Category: Homestuck, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Albino Dave, Alternate Universe - SBURB Fusion, Multi, Who Knows?, i guess, i tried to write this but then it died so now it's back, not me i don't know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-19 13:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5969490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/pseuds/godtiermeme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's not like there was any way to win this shitty game anyhow, right?"</p><p>(Hopefully this will be a rewrite of the other fic by the same name.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. TE9BRElORyBHQU1FLi4u

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Universal Alignments](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2046336) by [godtiermeme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/pseuds/godtiermeme). 



\-- turntechGodhead [TG] opened a memo on board NEWMEAT--

titanShifter [TS] responded to memo.

TS: armin was right again this was a bad idea  
TG: hey asshole you cant just come in here and steal my typing style  
TS: who the fuck is this asshole?  
TG: okay cool he didnt steal my typing style youre okay dude names dave strider

wallDefender [WD] responded to memo.

WD: eren's being a little shit again.

alleyCorporal [AC] responded to memo.

AC: Are we saying this like it's a surprise?  
WD: no.  
TS: MIKASA!?  
WD: i don't see a problem here, eren.

earthExplorer [EE] responded to memo.

EE: We are so fucking screwed.

fieldSoldier [FS] responded to memo.

FS: well this is fun.  
TG: oh hey we got another one sweet shit look at all these new kids

tentacleTherapist [TT]  responded to memo.

TT: Dave, I would like to cordially invite you to shut the fuck up.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.

GA: As Per Always, Rose Makes An Excellent Point.  
TG: Thank you, Kanaya, I'm flattered by your brief panegyric.  
AC: Get a fucking room.

warriorScientist [WS]  responded to memo.

WS: I think this is exciting! There's a whole new world to explore!  
TS: yeah well i'm stuck in some sort of fucking awful place with a whole lot of flat and a shitton of ugly rock pillars  
TT: That would be your planet. Do you happen to see any enemies in your general vicinity?  
TS: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.

CG: I NEVER FOR ONCE BELIEVED IN EVEN THE MOST REMOTE REGIONS OF MY EVER-SHRINKING THINK PAN THAT I WOULD EVER ENCOUNTER SOMEONE MORE ANNOYING THAN ME. CONGRATULATIONS, ASSHOLE, YOU WIN THE PROVERBIAL "BASTARD OF THE MONTH" TROPHY. WOULD YOU LIKE A PRIZE? I HAVE SOME WONDERFUL CANNED EARTH MEAT. OR, EVEN BETTER, HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU THE BEST REWARD OF ALL? HOW ABOUT A STEAMING, FECULENT PILE OF MY OWN WASTE? FRESH FROM THE OTHER END OF THE PROTEIN CHUTE.  
TG: whoa there dude calm down youre gonna scare the poor children  
TT: Amazingly, something intelligent has been uttered by Dave Strider. How fascinating.  
GA: I Do Believe This Necessitates Some Sort Of Record. A Kind Of Congratulatory Article In The Tome Of History, Perhaps?  
EE: probably.  
FS: for once i have to agree with jäger. congrats dude you've made a semi-intelligent comment.  
FS: but, yeah, i'd like to know who the fuck i'm talking to.  
TG: surprise you aint talking to anyone were all bots we didnt even pass the captcha  
CG: CAN YOU SHUT YOUR ETERNALLY FLAPPING CHITINOUS WINDHOLE FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES, STRIDER?  
TG: im not talking dude im typing theres a big difference

CG banned TG from responding to memo.

CG: I FIXED IT.  
WD: yay.

timaeusTestified [TT]  responded to memo.

TT: This one sure does sound interesting. Full of personality. Jake, get your ass in here. We've got a wild one.

golgothasTerror [GT]  responded to memo.

GT: By golly dirk it seems we do have *quite* the wild one on our hands today.  
WD: ...  
TS: ...  
WS: ...  
AC: ...  
TT: Oh! I seem to have forgotten you two! My sincerest apologies!

TT banned GT from responding to memo.  
TT banned TT from responding to memo.

TT: Problem solved!  
AC: I like this one. This one is good.  
FS: ...  
TS: okay maybe we can do like some sort of fucking introductory bullshit here? because i'm fucking lost.  
GA: That Does Seem To Be Quite A Solid Suggestion, Newcomer.  
GA: My Name Is Kanaya Maryam. You May Address Me Simply As Kanaya.  
TT: Rose Lalonde. Charmed to meet you all.  
CG: KARKAT. AND THE CHATTERING PISS STAIN I BANNED WAS DAVE.  
TT: Oh! Yes! The two fools I banned were Jake and Dirk.  
TG: dave  
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET BACK IN HERE, YOU SHIT-SUCKING AIRHEAD?  
TG: i dunno  
TG: sup  
TG: so who are you all we gotta get some names up in here before i just call everyone dude 1 and dude 2  
EE: I'm Armin Arlert. Most of you guys seem pretty nice.  
WD: mikasa ackerman. the idiot who responds to me is eren.  
TS: MIKASA.  
WD: statistically someone else could have replied.  
TS: ...  
FS: i just looked out my window and there's so many fucking horses out here.  
TG: thats a weird name dude id hate to have to fill out a form with that  
CG: WHEN YOU SAY "FUCKING HORSES," DO YOU MEAN THAT THEY ARE ENGAGING IN UGLY HOOFBEAST INTERCOURSE? OR ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT THERE ARE A LARGE AMOUNT OF HORSES? BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY CONCERNED FOR YOU IF YOUR PLANET IS POPULATED BY COPULATING HOODBEASTS...  
FS: what the fuck is a hoofbeast?  
TG: he means a fuckin horse a hoofbeast is a horse  
AC: I also express my condolences that you are surrounded by fornicating horses. My sincerest apologies.  
FS: no i meant there are a lot of horses. god fucking dammit all of you are fucking idiots.  
TT: Okay. I think I can foresee where our group discussion is heading and it isn't a very flattering place. So I will take it upon myself to shut this nasty affair down.

TT closed the memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to follow this fic, I've mad the tag "fic: ua redux" on Tumblr.


	2. REVMRVRJTkcgRklMRSBTSElHQU5TSElOQS5QTFQ=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i changed how you get to god tier because idek leveling up is way easier and i'm making sburb slightly less strict with the strife specibus sue me

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began pestering  titanShifter [TS] \--

CG: I'VE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO ENSURE THAT YOU ARE SAFELY REGURGITATED FROM THE VOID THAT IS PRESUMABLY YOUR PLANET. AT LEAST I HOPE THAT'S WHERE YOU ARE. IT'S WHERE YOU'RE FUCKING SUPPOSED TO BE.  
TS: thats great mcshouty now can you stop shouting  
CG: IT IS A CUSTOMARY ALTERNIAN RITE OF PASSAGE TO SHOUT AT STRANGE BIPEDAL ASSHOLES SUCH AS YOURSELF.  
TS: really?  
CG: NO... BUT IT SOUNDED GOOD. WHAT DO YOU SEE AROUND YOU?  
TS: i dont fucking know a bunch of shitty ruins and some really tall ugly things  
CG: THEN YOUR BEST MATCH IS PROBABLY THE LAND OF RUIN AND GIANTS.  
TS: wow i could have come up with the exact same answer for free  
CG: WHATEVER. JUST GET TO FUCKING WORK. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET TO GOD TIER AND EVERYONE ON PLANET FUCKING CLUELESS WILL GET TO YOU ONCE YOU'RE THERE.  
TS: well arent you just a walking encyclopedia thanks for nothing mcshouty

\--TS ceased pestering CG\--

Eren Jaeger found himself inside a circular stone tower—one of those cliché things that dominated fairy tale illustrations and fantasy novels. Directly beneath him was a small pile of loose hay and dirt; and, beneath that, there was a beaten up wooden floor. From its color, he assumed it was some sort of redwood. Perhaps teak. Not that this mattered. The specific variety of wood adorning the floor beneath his feet was of little consequence in the long haul. And, if he wanted to actually survive the long haul—whatever the hell it was to be—he needed to start figuring out what the world outside of this tower was like.

Again, he evaluated his surroundings.

A spiral staircase to the east led down to what he could only assume was the floor level. To the north there was a fairly large window. Metal bars kept whatever was outside outside and, unfortunately for Eren, whatever was inside would remain thus. Still, finding a window was certainly a start. A dilapidated wooden shelf was stocked with a few basic items—a leather messenger bag, two plain hunting swords, an oak bow, and an odd looking card whose surface was simply marked with the word "Arrows."

Cautiously, he picked these things up.

First, the bag. It fit him perfectly without any adjustment.

Then, the arrows. He grabbed the card—a small thing no more than two inches square and a quarter of an inch thick—only for it to disappear. Soon thereafter, a simplistic rendering of an arrowhead appeared on the top flap of his bag. Alongside the design was a tally of how many he had available. If this count was to be trusted, he had about two hundred shots on him.

Next, he took the bow. Not wanting to choose this as his primary weapon, he reached to put it in the messenger bag. Once it was directly above the top flap, however, it disappeared. Like the arrows, its presence was noted with a plain icon—a design that seemed to instantaneously burn itself onto the leather.

Finally, he took the swords. He examined them briefly. Lightweight, double-edged blades whose polished surfaces shined brilliantly with every subtle movement. Once his hands were securely around the hilt of each blade, he felt the addition of a pair of steel sheaths on his hip. One on each side, just as he liked them. (Perhaps, somehow, the game knew this.) Before he equipped the swords, however, he took a few practice swings. He ran the sharpened tips against the wood beneath his feet, smirking slightly as his eyes followed the clean slice it created. Then, he hacked away at the bookshelf for a moment, creating similarly clean, deep notches in the wood. And, once he had sufficiently tested the weapons, he carefully stored them in the provided scabbards.

* * *

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering  wallDefender [WD]  \--

TT: You seem to be the most personable of your collective group.  
WD: thanks.  
TT: Do you or anyone on your team understand the events which conspired to lead you to this particular SBURB session...?  
WD: ... no i don't think so.  
TT: Well, then, we seem to be on the same page in the proverbial book. And you're Mikasa, right?  
WD: yeah. so you can tell me what's going on because i need need to find eren before he does something predictably stupid.  
TT: I understand that feeling perfectly. You and your friends have been transported into SBURB. Right now, you're in a null session.  
WD: that sounds fun.  
TT: Currently, we're waiting for the main battle to occur. The goal of the game is to defeat the attacking king without completely destroying the main planet of Skaia in the process. Does that make sense?  
WD: yeah.  
TT: It seems the battle won't occur until you and your group have completed your main quests, though. Theoretically, all of you are to reach God Tier.  
WD: sounds easy enough.  
TT: Well, you have to acquire your strife specibus and level up through randomly generated battles. I'm not in any way questioning your prowess, I'm merely saying that reaching God Tier can take a while.  
WD: by random encounters do you mean imps because i just punched a dozen of them to death.  
TT: ...Okay, then, Mikasa, you seem to be fully capable of handling yourself. Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions.

\-- TT  ceased pestering  WD \--

Mikasa Ackerman stood in the middle of a vast, empty field. The only sort of variation she could see for miles was a rather short wall. It stretched across nearly the entire horizon and seemed to be made of stacked stones.

She took a moment to evaluate her situation. She knelt in the puddle of inky black imp blood and scooped up the small crystals which lay atop the mess.

Her bag seemed to respond to this. On the small screen on the right strap of her backpack, a simple message appeared. "+60 OIL."

By way of habit, she pressed her lips together to form a straight line. This game didn't seem too hard. Surely, she could achieve this "God Tier" status with relative ease; and, once she'd done that, she would be free to keep an eye on Eren. Or, at least, that's what she presumed would happen. She didn't really know. Nor did she necessarily care. If the game wanted her to go against that plan, she was perfectly willing to beat it until it let her follow her chosen route.

* * *

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  opened a memo on board KITKAT.PNG--

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  responded to memo.

CG: YOU'RE SO CLOSE, JACKASS. THIS FUCKING CLOSE. JUST A TINY, INSUBSTANTIAL DISTANCE AWAY FROM ME STABBING YOU REPEATEDLY.  
TG: youre sitting right next to me kitkat i can see your fingers and that is most definitely very very close  
TG: thats not the problem though dude the problem is trying to get these new assholes to where we are  
CG: WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT OF THAT? IT'S NOT LIKE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SUCCEED IN BEATING THIS FUCKING AWFUL GAME. IF WE WERE, WE WOULDN'T BE FUCKING STUCK HERE.  
CG: IS THE FUCKER WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CONVERSING WITH EVEN PRESENT IN THIS CONVERSATION?  


alleyCorporal [AC]  responded to memo.

AC: Yes.  
TG: see dude i know what im doing just relax your cute little  
TG: think pan is that what you call it yeah relax your cute little think pan  
CG: MY THINK PAN IS NEITHER CUTE NOR RELAXED. ACTUALLY, RIGHT NOW, IT'S SEETHING WITH THE BURNING HATRED OF A THOUSAND BURNING SUNS. I DESPISE YOU, STRIDER.  
TG: no you dont if you did why are we dating  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
AC: Damn.  
AC: As much as I appreciate the art, I didn't sign up here for a subscription to Angsty Porn Weekly.  
AC: So, if you two could maybe stop being five years old and get your shit together that would be great.  
AC: If not, I'll just be leaving.  
TG: oh yeah forgot about you sorry bro  
AC: Don't call me bro. I would rather not associate myself with you in any way.  
CG: BEFORE DAVE CAN INSERT HIS ETERNALLY SCREECHING CHITINOUS WINDHOLE TO SAY SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS UNDOUBTEDLY STUPID AND POINTLESS, I'LL DO US ALL A FAVOR. YOUR GOAL IS TO LEVEL UP UNTIL YOU REACH GOD TIER. UPON REACHING THIS STATUS, ONE OF THE LOVELY FUCKWADS YOU SPOKE TO EARLIER WILL RETRIEVE YOUR CORPOREAL BEING FROM WHATEVER PLANET YOU HAPPEN TO BE ON.  
AC: Sounds easy enough. I've got two pistols and a knife. And I've already killed some sort of fucking ugly yellow lizard thing that tried to sell me food.  
TG: dont kill those dude they are pure and innocent and should be left alone unless you want to be royally fucked up by the game  
AC: I'll keep that in mind. Can I leave now? You two bore me.  
TG: aw man i was hoping for someone to talk to who isnt an alien whose body heat seems to only come from his burning desire to kill me or so he claims  
CG: NO. PLEASE. LEAVE. I'M DONE TALKING WITH YOU. I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO ATTEND TO. AND, BY "OTHER THINGS," I REALLY MEAN THAT IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RIP THIS FUCKNUGGET'S LOBE STEM OUT.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG]  closed the memo.

"Well that was enough bullshit to last me the rest of my life," Levi muttered, absentmindedly running his fingers through his hair.

He breathes forth a loud sigh—the type of sigh that happens when when you're trying to decide whether or not to put up with the inevitable load of bullshit which looms on the horizon of the future. And, after a few moments of haphazard consideration, he ripped the battery from his laptop and throws it into a nearby stream. At the same time, he noticed that the water of said stream was an odd, inky purple. Out of curiosity and boredom, he knelt beside it and dipped his fingers in.

It certainly felt like water. It behaved like it, too, dripping down his fingers and pooling in his cupped palm. And, when he brought the liquid to his mouth, it tasted the same as well. So, reasoning that he had no idea of the geography of whatever planet he was supposedly on, Levi loosened the strap of his sturdy leather satchel. Once the strap was sufficiently loose, he haphazardly dunked it into the flowing stream. When he withdrew it and closed the flap, his digital watch beeped.

"+10 Water"

He shrugged, tightened the strap of his bag once more, and rose to his feet. He looked down, towards the grey stone path that he stood upon, and then forward. A vast forest of towering purple trees and dark shadows loomed before him.

 _"Now or never"_ seemed to be the perfect sentiment for the situation.

He gave the satchel a final tug to make sure it was secure before setting forth, following the flagstone path set before him.

* * *

\-- earthExplorer [EE]  began pestering  titanShifter [TS] \--

EE: Any of those other people talk to you yet, Eren?  
TS: what other people? you mean those fucking weirdos from earlier? yeah they did they're still fucking weirdos. TS: the grey one talked to me the shouty one you know what i mean?  
EE: Yeah. You have any idea where you are?  
TS: no and sorry but now is not the time i'm kind of trying to not get killed by some ugly little bug man  
EE: You mean an imp?  
TS: i don't fucking know but whatever it is it's trying to kill me so i'll talk later. bye.

\-- titanShifter [TS]  ceased pestering  earthExplorer [EE] \--

From his perch atop the deck of a small wooden dinghy, Armin Arlert let forth a long sigh. He locked his phone, shoved it back into the inside pocket of his worn out coat, and glanced at the ocean which surrounded him.

Five hours. He'd been in the game for five hours and all he knew was that he was in a massive, freshwater ocean. A massive fucking ocean with no land to be seen for miles. No land, no food, lots of water, a plain backpack, a bow, and three hundred arrows. Aside from the ship he was in and the clothes on his back, this was all he had.

He didn't even have any sort of veritable camping experience. He'd never once been fishing and the game had destroyed the world before his grandfather could take him on that camping trip he always promised him. His grandfather... Armin frowned and pulled out a beaten up picture of himself alongside the man—a tall, hearty-looking man with surprisingly thick grey hair and a formidable beard.

_We shouldn't have started the game._

He carefully folded the picture into a neat square and put it back into the inner pocket of his jacket. His phone and that photo. That's all he got to keep from what he could only think of as a former life. It was all he'd had time to grab when the meteors hit. Still, he wasn't about to sprawl out in the boat and let whatever sort of scavengers inhabited the strange place eat him. No, if anything, he was going to find out what the hell was going on. Where was he? What happened to the other players—the people he'd spoken to before the world began to fall apart? What was the goal of this? And, then, there was the question that fascinated him the most. Who were these other people—the people with usernames he didn't recognize and who spoke as if they'd somehow reached the end of the game? And, if they had, indeed, reached the end of the game, what stopped them from finishing?

Armin carefully took off his backpack and set it on a nearby bench. He went to unzip it, only for the arrow he'd been thinking of retrieving to appear spontaneously in his hand. He didn't question this. It was, after all, a game.

He snapped off the tip of the arrow and pressed the sharpened point against the triangular wooden panel which covered the foot or so of the ship's pointed bow. _"DAY ONE..."_

* * *

Jean Kirstein found himself in the shade of a grandiose oak tree.

As far as he was concerned, he was alone. His phone battery had run out just as the group chat came to a close and he hadn't had time to grab his laptop before the meteors hit. So, now, he found himself stuck in some sickeningly beautiful pasture that continued for what he could only assume was forever. Or, at least, it would be forever if it wasn't for the distant, massive stone wall to his east and west.

"Hmph." He reached into the pocket of the dirty black overcoat he'd found when he woke up and frowned as the strange electronic band around his wrist began to flash.

"YOU HAVE NOTHING IN YOUR INVENTORY."

Perfect. Fucking perfect.

He sighed.

This was going to be a fucking long day.

**Author's Note:**

> Naming chapters is hard and Base 64 looks funny.
> 
> Comments and feedback are welcome.


End file.
